- My sister and I are not identical twins, but I felt pressure to be just like her.
- We both developed eating disorders that turned into a competition between us.
- It took me 10 years to realize what we were doing was not healthy.
As a twin, I grew up with this underlying expectation from society that I had to be exactly like my sister — even though we weren't identical.
As a result, I developed a competitive eating disorder that ruined a portion of my childhood and strained my relationship with my sister to this day.
When I was in elementary school in the early 2000s, society prioritized "thin" people over "fat" people, and I did everything in my power to emulate the ideal woman. Originally, I was the one restricting my caloric intake and exercising for an unhealthy number of hours, but it was only a matter of time before my sister picked up on it and it became a competition.
We did everything exactly the same
We both ate the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We wouldn't even go out to restaurants because that would break our routine. Breakfast was one cup of oatmeal, lunch was canned tuna fish, and dinner was grilled chicken, broccoli, and rice.
For each meal, we'd weigh our food to be sure we were eating exactly the same amount, down to the last grain of rice. We even took the same number of bites to make sure that we digested our food the same way.
Since I wanted to be better than my twin, I'd try to sneak extra grains of rice onto her plate when she wasn't looking, hoping that she'd lose less weight than me. It was a manipulative game, and we were both on edge all the time, since both of us would try to sneak food onto the other's plate or do additional exercise when we let our guard down.
Thinking back on it, it was so unhealthy, but at the time it seemed normal.
We also tried to exercise the same amount
The same went for exercise. We both did the same amount of exercise which usually consisted of a three- to five-mile run. If she did anything more, I would freak out. I'd demand she get off the treadmill and let me make it up.
If she took extra steps to get something from down the hall, I'd follow and take a few more steps just to make sure we were equal. If she woke up earlier than me, I'd freak out because I couldn't see what she had for breakfast and I'd have to take her word for it, which I didn't trust.
If I didn't see her eat, I usually wouldn't eat breakfast. In my mind, that put me "ahead" for the day.
It was such a sad and difficult time in my life. I don't think people realize the intensity of eating disorders, especially among twins. Women already have the expectation in society to be "skinny," but throw being a twin on top of that with the added pressure to look like your sibling at all times — it can be detrimental.
This competitive eating and exercise regimen lasted for over 10 years. It wasn't until the middle of high school that I realized this was a huge problem and I needed help. Then in mid-college, the competition stopped, when I was in therapy and was finally able to distinguish myself from my disorder.
After years of therapy, I've started to accept myself as an individual who can be different from my sister. I wish I knew that as a kid because it could have saved me a lot of pain. I guess it's better late than never.